i found the one, the one and only. this is no new news, i've known for some time now. i've just been thinking about it a lot lately...love him :] miss him.

anyway, it's been awhile...i went to asia...vietnam and china...it was intense, terrifying, emotional...etc. way too much to write about right now. i'm just on here because i'm bored waiting for my ride to la for the weekend. wedding bells. happy people. good times, hopefully.

i got a new astronomy book i am sooooo excited to read. yup. and i'm getting a lot better at guitar. something is missing still, though...hm.

anyway

way too sad

there is nothing quite like looking at yourself in the mirror and REALLY LOOKING..not to summon some third eye being or anything...but just to look at yourself long and hard enough to realize who the fuck you are for a second.

sorta shitty. but hopefully not for long...found a place in felton that seems nice and cozy...it's babysitting for room & board. not bad. i enjoy kids. shouldn't be anything permanent anyway, just a getaway in the woods for a little while...then...

i plan to go to costa rica this summer...live there for a month of two...you know, the usual trying to get over myself by running away from everything and everyone. i might not. but it seemed like a pretty good idea at 6 in the morning, and almost 12 hours later it's still sounding pretty good. hey for 200 bucks a month in a beach front cabana in the rainforest, i think i'm almost obligated to go. le sigh


i hate this.

i should just stay away from everything i am attracted to. and see where that takes me...

so a weekend bartending school is probably bad news. ha

marry joseph conrad?
or if not marry, have him fall in love with me and make every attempt to create beautiful novels inspired by me? wishful thinking, i know. i started reading heart of darkness and decided i'd take it slow for once. it really is the best thing to have happened to me in quite some time. i forgot how nourishing it can be to dissect the words! oh, it makes me want to be hard at work out at sea. it really is making me feel...young, with a sense of discovery. haha how pathetic is my life sounding right now? i don't know the last time i went out with people, but i know how much i love joseph conrads words! anyway, it's been too long since a book has done this to me. years! imagine. i read too goddamn much...and i fear that i have been reading too fast =[ ugh. le sigh. well, hopefully one day i'll have the leisure to re-read all the books that didn't sink in as well as they were intended to. key word- hopefully.

well okay, so i'm not gonna marry a dude who is dead and there is no way a dead guy is going to fall in love with me, either. haha and i'm afraid the chances of me meeting a writer like that are slim. and if i did, i'd still be wishfully thinking in my romantic ideas about him...it's just not gonna happen. ugh, there it is again! negativity. it keeps finding a way to creep up on me. i don't even know why i said that...i am in no hurry whatsoever. i am in such a weird mood...haha. i'm not used to having seemingly no control of my thoughts...hmmm...

sajdvbgkajshfvlkuhr ever just feel like you have so much to say or so much to write, but no matter what, it just doesn't come out right? story of my whole damn 2009 life. it's everything! shit, i can't even seem to leave clear post-it notes. it's tragic. pointless. scatter brain. whatever, i don't even want to continue about that...

on a brighter note, i love my yoga class. i've been going on solitary drives to pretty spots around town lately...and i actually do plan to one day go through an entire yoga sun-cycle at one of the spots. hm, after 20 years i'm finally starting to realize the beauty of this town. i guess the problem before was i had been searching for beauty in the people, haha. k maybe that's not funny...i'm tired and turning cynical. so shoot me, ha...oh man.

it's way too late right now. i've been going to bed really early since school started back up, so its not hard to predict how shitty waking up is going to be now that i'm up this late...tomorrow the sunlight is gonna hit me dead in the eyes like its mad that i gave half the day to last night...awesome. (not really)

gawd somebody cool please move to this town. please. and we can have tea. and go on hikes. and bike rides. and to the ocean. and save up money and travel together and write about it. and we could inspire each other. we don't even have to travel together. postcards are still great. please. haha i need to go the fuck to bed...i can hardly stand my train of thought...

my apologies.

is this thing on?

what's the difference between the 2?
i really can't find any differences...

there is just truth.

le sigh

so the only question remaining for me is...
how much does is one required to bear?
how much is one required to share?
what's acceptable to be held sacred to yourself?
and what amount of the ebb and flow within yourself should you let free...shared appropriately?
WHAT THE FUCK IS APPROPRIATE? AND WHO SAYS?!

ugh.

confusion strikes kenny! haha
welps, my tummy is telling me to feed myself.

adios.